The iPhone Glow Meets Illinois’ Tax Gloom

Apple sells innovation. Illinois sells taxation. Guess which one you’ll pay for longer.

By Staff Writer • September 10, 2025

The Shiny Start

There’s a ritual to it, almost sacred. The fresh white box. The soft pull of the tab. The sound of the lid giving way. Then—there it is—the new iPhone, glowing like a beacon of the future. Apple has mastered this theater of technology, and Illinoisans, like millions worldwide, line up for their ticket to the show.

For a brief moment, the world feels light. You’ve got the coolest gadget in your hand. A better camera, a faster chip, maybe even AI features that make you feel like Tony Stark in sweatpants. It’s exciting. It’s fun.

And then you get your first phone bill in Illinois. Cue the record scratch.

The Celebration Ends, the Bill Arrives

While Apple’s launch on September 9 drew cheers, the real party was happening in Springfield and Chicago—because in Illinois, nothing pairs better with a shiny new iPhone than the nation’s highest wireless taxes.

Already leading the pack, Illinois lawmakers quietly bumped their share up from 7% to 8.65% on July 1, supposedly to fund a 9-8-8 suicide and crisis hotline. Important? Absolutely. But here’s the cruel joke: they didn’t just tap the wealthy tech bros. They slapped every family, every senior, every single mom trying to keep a phone connected.

Effective tax rate on Illinois cell phone bills: 37.7%.
No other state breaks 35%.

For a family of four sharing a $100 plan, that’s $456 a year in taxes—compared to the U.S. average of $320. And if you live in Chicago? Add another $20 a month in local fees. Congratulations—you’re paying nearly $700 annually just to make sure your phone can… make a call.

As one Chicago dad sighed, “This iPhone may have facial recognition, but when it saw me, it definitely smirked.”

Who Gets Stuck the Hardest

Wireless service isn’t optional anymore. It’s the oxygen of modern life—your link to work, school, doctors, emergencies, even basic human connection. Yet Illinois politicians tax it as if it were a yacht.

The Tax Foundation reports “80% of low-income adults rely solely on wireless service.” In other words, the people who can least afford another tax are paying the most for a basic necessity. It’s Robin Hood in reverse: Springfield steals from the poor and calls it progress.

The Long-Term Damage

There’s another layer to this mess: taxes this high don’t just drain wallets, they choke progress. The International Chamber of Commerce found that strong wireless infrastructure boosts business growth, sparks innovation, and creates jobs. But why would companies invest in Illinois when the government treats wireless like its personal ATM?

“They’re chasing short-term revenue at the expense of long-term prosperity,” one analyst warned. But hey, as long as today’s budget gap is plugged, who cares if tomorrow’s economy withers?

One-Party Rule, One Broken System

Let’s not pretend this is accidental. Illinois is the poster child of a one-party system where accountability is a myth and taxation is a reflex. The failed leadership in Springfield has turned the state into a testing ground for how much government can squeeze from its people before they break.

Property taxes? Highest in the Midwest. Gas taxes? Raised again. Wireless taxes? Crowned national champion. It’s as if Illinois lawmakers looked at the word “affordable” and decided it was un-American.

“It feels like the only app Springfield and Chicago want us to download is called TaxHike,” one taxpayer joked. But beneath the humor is raw frustration: people are leaving. Families, businesses, talent—fleeing for states that treat them as citizens, not cash registers.

Sarcasm, Courtesy of Springfield

If Apple branded phones the way Illinois brands taxes, you’d be buying the:

• iTax: Featuring 37.7% more pain, every month.

• iFee: The Chicago-exclusive edition—comes with a $5-per-line “thanks for living here” charge.

• iGroan: Installed automatically when you see your bill.

But unlike Apple, you don’t get to choose the color. The only option in Illinois is red ink.

A State Running Out of Excuses

Illinois politicians love to tell you these taxes are “for the greater good.” They’ll point to programs, hotlines, or pensions and claim sacrifice is noble. But what they won’t say is that decades of mismanagement, corruption, and one-party dominance created this cycle. Instead of reform, they reach deeper into your pocket.

And the joke’s on us—because we let them.

The Closing Bell

So yes, buy that new iPhone. Celebrate innovation, progress, and possibility. Just know that in Illinois, the future costs extra. Every month. Forever.

As one weary taxpayer put it best: “In Illinois, you don’t own your phone. The government does—you just get visitation rights.”

The iPhone may evolve every September. But in Illinois, under failed one-party rule, the only thing that changes is how much more you’ll pay for the privilege of holding it.